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Sometime last October I planned a lunch with some of my best friends in Kazakhstan. I had been living in this former Soviet Republic for a little over a year and decided it was time to catch up with my girlfriends at our favorite Korean restaurant in the center of town. As we gossiped and lamented the upcoming winter, we bantered about the idea of spending Christmas somewhere where we could ride surf boards instead of sleighs.
“Can you just imagine waking up, going to the beach to open gifts and then getting some fruity drink with an umbrella?” my friend Maureen begged. It didn’t take much convincing. We were sold on ditching the Siberian cold and heading to Thailand for Christmas.
It’s not hard to understand why we wanted to get out of dodge for the holidays. Celebrating Christmas in the Former Soviet Union is akin to voting here – a lot of people go through the motions, but somehow, it just doesn’t seem like an authentic experience.
And that’s exactly the kind of holiday I had last year. Stationed in Almaty, Kazakhstan with the Foreign Service, my husband is serving his first tour abroad. Last December, we celebrated our first Christmas away from our family quietly — we sat around in the living room of our government-issued house, exchanged presents with each other and then trekked over to a colleagues’ house for dinner. It was nice, but it wasn’t reminiscent of my hometown Christmas experiences over the past 28 years. No carols. No eggnog. No little brother farting at the dinner table to the gross embarrassment of my mother. Not even any football.
It was time to shake things up.
After a few phone calls to travel agents and some internet searching we quickly booked our plane tickets and made reservations at a posh resort on the island of Ko Samui which sits in the Gulf of Thailand, south of Bangkok. And for the next two months, I day-dreamed about our upcoming adventure, and hatched a plan. Since I had totally given up all hopes of a traditional Christmas, my goal for this holiday would be to search out the most fantastic and absurd Christmas kitsch in Thailand.
Eggnog margarita on the beach, anyone? Santa bikinis?
And if my hunch was right, we’d chosen the perfect destination for my search. Even though Thailand is a country largely populated by non-Christians (95% of the population is Buddhist), in the name of tourism Thailand has managed to portray all the holiday kitsch that makes Christmas so commercial in the West. I smiled thinking of the pounds of Pad Thai I’d enjoy – with a side of Christmas Cranberry Sauce, of course.
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| A very Thai Christmas |
My hunt got off to a pretty good start. When we arrived in Ko Samui several days before Christmas, we were met in our hotel by a lovely woman, dressed in a Santa costume. She sat behind a teak table in the outdoor reception area with Christmas cookies and ginger bread houses on display. As the wind from the sea blew into the open structure, the bells on her Santa hat jingled. And somehow, as if on cue, a man selling a flute-like instrument walked by playing “Jingle Bells.”
This is going to be good, I thought.
Mrs. Clause was selling tickets to the hotel’s Christmas Eve extravaganza. On the night before Christmas, there would be hot air balloon rides, fireworks, Christmas carols, a grand buffet, and even a cabaret show. It wouldn’t be my traditional Christmas Eve spent by the fireplace, wrapping gifts and drinking eggnog, but with the prospect of a Thai cabaret show I didn’t care one bit.
For the next several days, our group of five did a whole lot of nothing. We spent hours on the beach reading our novels, swimming in the ocean, sea kayaking and getting Thai massages as the waves lapped lazily on the shore. In the evening we would walk along the beach, admiring the long boats decorated with Christmas lights (my favorite built the likeness of three Christmas trees with white lights, so from afar it looked as if the trees were dancing on the water). Several tourists sported Santa hats with their beach wear and even though snow was nowhere to be seen, the Christmas kitsch was alive and well.
Finally, the main event was at hand: Christmas Eve. As I donned by strapless tropical dress and reindeer headband (a strange gift from my Mom that I felt was somehow appropriate here), I was ready to take in a good Thai Christmas evening. I wouldn’t be disappointed.
Our hotel pulled out all the stops. The pool area had been converted into a glamorous outdoor dining area with 50 or so tables scattered throughout the grounds and a decorated stage built near the beach. Following cocktail hour, we were invited to visit the buffet, and for the next hour we simply ate (and ate, and ate). The buffet offered more traditional holiday fare, such as turkey and stuffing, and also the less traditional, like a Christmas tree built entirely of prawns. Yes, slightly disturbing. But I can assure you that it was delicious.
The stage show began with traditional island dancing, followed by flame throwers and fire eaters. I thought about what my family was most likely doing half way around the world and I bet with great certainly that grass skirts and fire throwing wasn’t on the itinerary. Soon there after, a group of carolers came onto the stage and spent about an hour singing renditions of some of the most famous Christmas tunes – and while the accompanying instruments were not traditional, the island flare was uniquely beautiful. I almost laughed out loud when, “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas” kicked off the show, but somehow, it worked.
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| Scuba Santa |
Next up: Scuba Santa! For all of the little tykes up past their bed time, Santa had made it all the way from the North Pole, but due to the local conditions found it necessary to sport scuba gear, flippers and all. As Scuba Santa stumbled through the crowd, he passed out candy and seemed to be holding in an all out belly laugh. At least he found himself as silly as the rest of us did.
It was at this point the evening would take a turn from the silly to the jaw-dropping unbelievable. The angelic voices of the carolers were bidding us a “Happy Christmas” as they exited the stage and the MC announced that at this time, the cabaret show would begin. The music was pumped up and a wildly dressed woman came running onto the stage, wearing not much more than a studded bra and leather pants. With heavy make-up and what we guessed was a wig, we sat in shock as she lip sang, Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive” with great gusto.
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| Christmas eve |
The whispers were gathering steam around the table and we all looked perplexed. My husband leaned over and asked, “Is that a woman or a man?” It was a legitimately good question and I didn’t have an answer. As the show rolled on, with about 10 performers of an indescribable sex lip singing and dancing away, we decided to ask an authority.
After consulting with our table’s waiter, my friend Karin reported back to the table that we were asking the wrong question – it was not whether they were men or women. Turns out they were both.
“They are Thai lady-boys!” our waiter dutifully informed us. Of course!
And this was how we ended our Christmas Eve show, with the lady-boys appropriately ended their show with Shania Twain’s rendition of, “Man, I Feel Like a Woman.” As the fireworks went off on the beach, for a fleeting second we could read, “Merry Christmas” in the bright lights, but my guess is the image of the Thai lady-boys dancing and singing up a storm was what we were all still thinking about.
On Christmas morning we made our way down to Starbucks and in the air-conditioned café, we pretended it was cold and exchanged presents, sipping wintry drinks like mint mochas and hot chocolate. In the afternoon we lounged on the beach and ate freshly cooked corn on the cob – and spent our time dreaming not of sugar plumb fairies, but instead living our dream vacation.
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| Almost Scary Santa |
It wouldn’t be until 6:00 the next evening that we would learn of the tragedy that befell hundreds of thousands of tourists and locals just a few hundred miles from us. The disastrous earthquake and tsunami that ripped through many beach towns in the Indian Ocean had completely spared us and the eastern shore of Thailand.
We had spent the day of the 26th on a snorkeling trip and when we returned to shore we caught our first glimpse of the disaster. A tiny restaurant sat on the shore of the beach and the staff was huddled around a TV set that was propped up on the bamboo bar. From about 20 feet away I could read the bold words, “Breaking News.”
In the two weeks since we returned from our vacation it has been hard not to take stock of our luck. I often find myself thinking back to that girls’ lunch in October when we decided to head to Thailand for the holidays. What if my friends had wanted to visit Phuket instead of Ko Samui? What if we had chosen the Maldives?
When we departed the Bangkok airport we met up with fellow passengers who had been in Phuket and survived the tsunami. Standing at check in with nothing but the clothes on their body and an airline blanket wrapped around their shoulders, they didn’t seem distraught, but truly thankful for the blessing of being alive.
I had come to Thailand expecting to find ridiculous examples of Christmas kitsch that would in some way make the Christmas experience seem funny and less real. And in some respects, I was successful. Let’s face it; it’s hard to take a Scuba Santa seriously. What I didn’t expect to discover was the transcendent nature of Christmas spirit. In my narrow view, Christmas spirit had something to do with snowmen and ornaments and little children in pajamas leaving cookies out for Santa. In the end, I discovered that being with family and friends and finding a way to appreciate all that is beautiful and holy in our lives is what Christmas is all about.
I may have made this discovery without the tsunamis, but it was a poignant and tragic reminder that life is precious and fragile. So this and every Christmas, whether I celebrate in the snowy mountains or on the tropical beaches, I plan to honor that spirit.
Jessica P. Hayden is a freelance writer.
Copyright © 2005 Jessica Hayden
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